Portraits of Children Telling Stories (2012)

by Mimi Say

For more photos; please click to this link http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.374076529330624.85683.114333048638308&type=3

When a Child Lies...

By MARIE HARTWELL-WALKER, ED.D.

Marion is upset. “My 10-year-old son islying all the time. If I ask him if he’s done his homework, he says ‘sure’ even if I know he hasn’t. Ask him where he’s headed and he’ll look me straight in the face and tell me he’s going to a friend’s house when I just know he’s got somewhere else in mind. Ask him if the sky is blue and he’ll probably tell you it’s not. What worries me most is how smooth he is. It’s gotten so I never know when to believe him. What can we do to stop this before he turns into a con artist?”

Lying is something that seems to unhinge a great many parents. Yes, it’s worrisome. Yes, we want our children to be honest, especially with us. But before we see every stretch of the truth as an indication that the kid will land in the pen, it’s important to understand what’s behind the lies. All lying isn’t the same. All “lies” aren’t even lies.

Developmental Stage

Kids aren’t born with a moral code. It’s something they have to figure out. Most kids most of the time want to figure it out. They get it that there are social rules. They watch us adults constantly to see what they are supposed to do and how they are supposed to negotiate their world. The need for truthtelling and the ability to understand the concept of lying are things that kids grow into as they grow.

• From birth to 3, kids are in a highly confusing world where they are dependent on adults for their very survival. Often what looks like “lies” are either honest mistakes or efforts to protect themselves or to mollify the grownups. They take their cue from our tone of voice. “Did you break the jar?” said angrily is likely to get a “Not me” response. “Did you eat the cookie?” “Not me!” Of course not. Kids don’t want to be in trouble with the adults they depend on. The angry tone in the adult’s question scares them. They just want to make things feel safe again.
• Children from ages 3 to 7 are still figuring out the difference between fantasy and reality. They create imaginary worlds in their play. Sometimes they’re not clear where their creations leave off and the real world begins. We adults often find it cute and participate in the fantasies. Many of us have set a place at the dinner table for the imaginary friend. We encourage belief in the tooth fairy and Santa. No wonder they’re sometimes confused. We don’t want to shut down their creativity but we do want to help them sort out when it’s appropriate to tell tall tales and when it’s not.
• From ages 5 to 10, kids gradually develop an understanding of what it means to lie. If they’ve been raised in a home and neighborhood and school where there are clear rules about the importance of telling the truth, they will do their best to comply. They want to be “big kids.” They want adult approval. They want to be on the side of truth and justice. Kids being kids, they will also monitor one another – and us. They’re the ones who will shout “liar liar, pants on fire” when they spot one.
• Over 10? They know perfectly well when they are stretching the truth or outright lying. Other reasons kick in that are just as compelling as developmental understanding.

Other reasons for lying:

 Social issues overlap with developmental ones. The older kids get, the more likely one or more of these reasons factors in:

• Mistakes. Sometimes kids lie without thinking and then dig themselves in deeper. Mom says angrily, “Who let the dog out?” Kid automatically says, “Not me!” Oops. He knows he did. You know he did. He knows you know he did. Now what’s he going to do? “Well. Maybe it was the wind that opened the door.” Uh-huh. The truth gets more and more tangled. The kid knows the jig is up but doesn’t want to admit it. The mom is getting more and more angry. Oh boy. . . Now there are three problems: The original issue, the lying, and mom’s anger.
• Fear. Related to those unthinking lies are the lies of fear. When the adults in a kid’s life are dangerous (violent, irrational, or overpunishing), kids get so worried about the consequences to fessing up to a misdemeanor they try to avoid it altogether. Understandable. No one likes to be yelled at, hit, or confined to quarters.
• To get out of doing something they don’t want to do. “Have you done your math homework?” says a dad. “Oh yeah. I did it when I got home today,” says the middle school son. Son hates math. Son doesn’t like feeling like a failure because he doesn’t understand it. Son doesn’t want to struggle with it. Better to “lie.” Hopefully the math room will have fallen into a sinkhole before math class tomorrow so he won’t have to deal with it.
• Not understanding when it’s socially appropriate to lie and when it isn’t. It’s a formula question: “How are you?” The formula answer is “Fine.” But what if you’re not fine? Is it a lie to say you are? When someone asks a friend “Do these jeans make me look fat?”; “How do you like my new sweater?”; “Do you think I’ll make the team?” – they aren’t necessarily looking for an honest answer. How’s a kid supposed to understand that?
• As a way to fit in. Kids who are less than sure about their standing in the cliques and crowds of middle and high school sometimes fall in with less than upstanding peers. They start to lie as a way to be “cool.” They lie to win peer approval. They lie to cover for each other and cover their tracks when they’ve done something they shouldn’t. They lie about lying.
• Parental limits that are too strict. When parents won’t allow them to gain some independence, teens almost have to be devious to grow normally. Parents who won’t let their girls date until they are 30, who demand straight A’s in order to have the privilege of going out, or who micro-monitor their child’s every activity and relationship set up a situation where kids feel trapped. Tell the truth and they don’t get to do normal, typical teenage things. Lie and they do get to be normal teens but they feel horrible about the lying.
• Monkey see, monkey do. It’s hard to hold a teen to driving at the speed limit if a parent uses a “Fuzz-buster” to avoid the consequences of speeding. If a parent calls in “sick” when a work project isn’t done on time, the kids understandably don’t get why it’s a big deal to skip school or to call in sick to their jobs. When a parent brags about cheating on their income tax or a financial aid form, it tells kids that it’s okay to lie as long as you don’t get caught. They inevitably try out what they’ve observed at home and are often stunned when parents don’t see them as simply doing as the adults do.
• And sometimes, rarely, lying is an indication of an emerging mental illness like conduct disorder or pathological lying. Usually there is more than one symptom besides the lying. These are the kids who often become so adept at it, they lie whether they need to or not. It’s a reflex, not a considered manipulation.

How To Help the Lying Child

It’s our job to help our kids understand the importance of honesty. Being trust-worthy (worthy of trust) is the key to solid friendships, trusting romantic relationships, and academic and occupational success. Honesty really and truly is the best policy.

• The first requirement is the hardest. Our job is to be consistently good models of honest living. If we want to raise honest kids, we can’t model the opposite. We can’t duck responsibilities or brag about avoiding something we really should have done. We need to live our lives with integrity and demonstrate in a thousand different ways that we think it’s important to be an honest man or woman.
• Stay calm. Losing it will take the focus off the issue and put it on your anger and frustration. Are you pretty sure your kid lied to you? Before dealing with it, go to your happy place. Breathe. Count. Pray. Are you calm now? Ok. Now talk to the kid.
• Take the time to train and explain. When little ones stretch the truth or tell tall tales, don’t accuse them of lying. Instead talk about how we may wish some things were true and that it’s fun to pretend, play and imagine. By all means, don’t shut down their creativity but do help them understand that there’s a time for play and a time for real life.
• Understand that comprehending moral issues is difficult. Give your child the benefit of the doubt. If she or he really did lie, give them a way to back down. Then talk about what happened and what they can do differently the next time they are tempted to lie.
• Look for the reason behind the lie. Make that part of the conversation. If it’s about being “cool,” fitting in, or avoiding an embarrassment, see if there are other ways the child can accomplish the same goal. Stay focused on what happened and why it really wasn’t a good idea to lie about it.
• Did you catch your child in a bald lie? Parents shouldn’t mimic interrogators. Trying to force the truth out of kids only makes them more scared. It’s enough to simply say that we’re reasonably sure they’re wrong and to ask them if they want to stick with their story. Stay with the facts and set clear consequences. Name-calling or losing it will only make it harder for your child to tell the truth the next time.
• Never label a kid as a liar. When a kid’s identity gets tangled up with a label, it becomes harder and harder to correct. Some kids become good at being bad when they are convinced there isn’t a way to win approval and love by being good.

What Children Like To Do

By Patti Faughn, Family Life Educator

Children have different needs at each age and stage of their development. Each child is also unique. If it's been a while since you've had children in the house, check out this list for activities that can help children learn, have fun, experience success, and feel good about themselves.

Most infants like:

• to be held, rocked, tickled, sung to, or read books with colorful pictures
• to hear you describe what you are doing during routine activities like feeding and dressing
• music and fingerplays (this little piggy, pat-a-cake)
• to play peak-a-boo or hide under a scarf or blanket
• to be taken outside for a short walk and have you describe what they see, touch, smell, and hear

Most toddlers still like infant activities but also like to:

• explore and look for rocks, flowers, and leaves; find objects to dump, fill, move, put together, and take apart
• separate from and return back to you
• run, jump, hide, climb; jump in leaves, pillows, old clothes, snow; put a sheet over two chairs
• sing or dance to music; imitate you (sweep, make pretend food, wash dishes, rock the doll)
• paint with water on sidewalk (bucket/sponge or brush), play with cups/lids in water
• ride tricycles, slide, swing, climb jungle gyms, play ball
• play hide and seek, Simon says, and London bridge
• build with blocks or Legos
• play pretend house, store, library, zoo, museum, bank, and other places

Most school-agers like:

• board games like Monopoly, Scrabble, Candyland, and Checkers; card games like Uno and Go Fish; and computer games
• preparing favorite snacks (rice krispie treats, brownies, ice cream sodas)
• athletic or competitive games
• putting on a play with costumes and props
• rulers, scales, magnets, thermometers, magnifying glasses, balls, and binoculars
• to make crafts like jewelry, candles, and sand art
• to plant vegetables or flowers in a garden
• trips to gardens, museums, libraries, and florists
• camping, fishing, biking, hiking, going on a picnic, and going to amusement parks and waterparks

Most teenagers still enjoy board games, cards, computer games, athletics, crafts, and trips. They also usually like:

• shopping
• eating out
• going to movies
• watching TV
• solitary games and privacy

Although children of different ages have different needs and interests, playing with younger and older siblings can enhance learning and understanding. And, the time you spend together will help create warm memories for a lifetime.

Selecting Books for Your Child: Finding 'Just Right' Books

By: Kathleen Rogers

How can parents help their children find books that are not "too hard" and not "too easy" but instead are "just right"? Here's some advice.

Five finger rule

Video bonus: To see the five finger rule in action, take a look at teacher Amber Prenticeexplaining the strategy!

1. Choose a book that you think you will enjoy.
2. Read the second page.
3. Hold up a finger for each word you are not sure of, or do not know.
4. If there are five or more words you did not know, you should choose an easier book.

Still think it may not be too difficult? Use the five finger rule on two more pages.

Choose a book that is a good fit for you!

Read two or three pages and ask yourself these questions:

Will it be an easy, fun book to read?

• Do I understand what I am reading?
• Do I know almost every word?
• When I read it aloud, can I read it smoothly?
• Do I think the topic will interest me?

If most of your answers were "yes", this will be an easy book to read independently by yourself.

Will this book be too hard for me?

• Are there five or more words on a page that I don't know, or am unsure of?
• Is this book confusing and hard to understand by myself?
• When I read it aloud, does it sound choppy and slow?

If most of your answers were "yes," this book is too hard. You should wait awhile before you read this book. Give the book another try later, or ask an adult to read the book to you.

Tips on reading with your child

When they can't read the word, say…

• Can you sound it out?
• Fingertap it.
• Can you think of the word or movement that helps you remember that vowel sound?
• What is the first and last sound? What word would make sense?
• Does it have a pattern that you have seen in other words? (ex-an, ack)
• How does the word begin?
• You said_______. Does that make sense?
• What word would make sense that would start with these sounds?
• Put your finger under the word as you say it.

When they want to read a book that is too hard, say…

• Let's read it together.
• This is a book you will enjoy more if you save it until you are older — or later in the year.
• [Be honest!] When people read books that are too hard for them, they often skip important parts. You will have more fun with this book if you wait until you can read it easily.

Rogers, K. (2008). Selecting Books for Your Child: Finding 'Just Right' Books. Retrieved November 7, 2008, from www.readingtogether.org.

PREPARING YOUR CHILD FOR THEIR FIRST DAY AT NURSERY

By UK Nurseries.Com

There will be anxious glances, perhaps a few sniffly tears, that gnawing feeling of being alone away from the security of home, the fears that you are now no longer looking after your rosy cheeked bundle of joy...and that is only the parents when they drop their child off for their first day at pre school or nursery! Thankfully most children are far more resilient and cannot wait to get through the doors and playing with the myriad of opportunities that await them inside!

Some children, naturally enough, will experience a few teething troubles at nursery, but the good news is that you, as their parent or guardian, can help your child overcome these problems, or perhaps even avoid them entirely, simply by preparing them for their first day at nursery. In addition to resolving any issues, you can ensure that not only is your child ready to tackle their first day in nursery, but with a little bit of planning and forethought on your behalf, that they positively thrive in this new and exciting environment!

Listed below are some of the best tips that will help your child begin nursery as positively as possible and will prepare them for the days ahead without you. By grounding your child before they start nursery in these key skills, you will be setting them up for the best possible start to their new life at playgroup, pre school or nursery.

TIPS TO EMPOWER YOUR CHILD AT NURSERY ON THEIR FIRST DAY

1. TAKE YOUR CHILD FOR A VISIT BEFORE THEY START – Outstandingly simple isn’t it? The biggest worry for many young children is that something is “new”. By taking your child with you on a visit, allowing them to see other happy children playing and interacting with toys that previously they may not have seen or played with, will imbue your child with a sense of curiosity. Even the clingiest child will, at some point, give in to this pre-disposition to investigate and enquire.

2. CHAT TO THE STAFF WHO WILL BE INTERACTING WITH YOUR CHILD – While your child is happily playing on their visit, speak with the staff. Tell them about your child in as much detail as you can. Tell them what your child likes or dislikes. What food they like, if they have a sleep during the day, whether they are potty trained or not. By giving the staff this information they are going to be much more effective in helping your child settle in when you are not there.

3. BE POSITIVE ABOUT THE WHOLE EXPERIENCE – Always talk about nursery in positive terms to your child. Make it sound exciting, vibrant, energetic and fun filled. Smile a lot when you talk about it and use expansive gestures to show how wonderful nursery will be for them. Reading a book about nursery to them before bed is a good idea, as is taking time to walk past a nursery on a walk and point out the children having fun and doing exciting things. The most difficult time to remain positive is when you have to leave your child on the first day. It is important here to remember that the more you keep running back, or show signs of distress yourself, then the more your child will mirror your feelings. You must overcome your clinginess at this point! The child will overcome theirs a few moments after you have walked out of the door! When you leave, smile and be positive and your child will do exactly the same.

4. DRESS THEM IN SIMPLE TO WEAR CLOTHES – Too many zips and buttons, laces on shoes, tights can be a real problem for children, especially those who are recently toilet trained. A child likes their independence, so give them every chance to enjoy this new found freedom by dressing them in clothes that are easy for them to handle and put on themselves with the minimum of assistance.

5. SPEAK WITH OTHER PARENTS – You are likely to see other parents at least twice a day when you take and fetch your child from nursery. Chat to parents and make new friends, particularly with the parents of children whom your child is friends with. This way bonds that are created in school can lead to children becoming friends out of school too, increasing their social skills and creating friendships that will last throughout school and beyond.

These five tips are great starting pointers for the very first day and beyond, they will help socialise your child and allow for an easy integration into nursery. However there is more you can do as a parent to help them begin nursery well that will not only help them on their first day, but will give them good habits and a head start in school life that is becoming increasingly important in modern times. Namely :

1. READ WITH YOUR CHILD OFTEN – Children learn through repetition and mimicry at a young age. Reading with your child, allowing them to complete sentences, identifying letters, then small words is a life skill that cannot, I stress, cannot be undervalued. Many children nowadays start nursery, or even reception, without the basic skills needed for reading or never even having picked up a book. Just a few minutes each day spent with a child on this skill can make a lifetimes difference. It will develop their abilities and language skills immeasurably. Books should be part of a child’s life from the moment they are born. Any child who picks up their first book on their first day at nursery is already facing an uphill struggle to catch up.

2. ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO SOCIALISE – It is important for pre school, pre nursery age children to socialise, perhaps in a playgroup or in any other informal setting. The more a child socialises with other children, then they quickly learn the norms of behaviour, such as sharing, working together and independently, how to communicate with each other effectively, how to behave appropriately and what is inappropriate behaviour. The more a child interacts with their peers at a younger age, the better they will understand the rules of a structure pre school or nursery school.

3. ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILD TO BE INDEPENDENT – There is an increasing trend these days to do everything for our children. While they are a baby, this is natural, however as they get older and develop their own skills, they need to be encouraged to do things for themselves. This ranges from the simplest of tasks, such as choosing a book, to using the toilet, getting dressed themselves and being able to play independently.

These three skills will ensure that on the day your child starts nursery, the only tears will be when they have to go home with you at the end of the day and can’t stay and play for longer with their new friends!

These three skills will ensure that on the day your child starts nursery, the only tears will be when they have to go home with you at the end of the day and can’t stay and play for longer with their new friends!