Self-esteem is your child's passport to lifetime
mental health and social happiness
It's the foundation of a child's well-being and the
key to success as an adult. At all ages, how you feel about yourself affects
how you act. Think about a time when you were feeling really good about
yourself. You probably found it much easier to get along with others and feel
good about them.
Self-image is how one perceives oneself
The child looks in the mirror and likes the person
he sees. He looks inside himself and is comfortable with the person he sees. He
must think of this self as being someone who can make things happen and who is
worthy of love. Parents are the main source of a child's sense of self-worth.
Lack of a good self-image very often leads to
behavior problems
Most of the behavioral problems that I see for
counseling come from poor self-worth in parents as well as children. Why is one
person a delight to be with, while another always seems to drag you down? How
people value themselves, get along with others, perform at school, achieve at
work, and relate in marriage, all stem from strength of their self-image.
Healthy self-worth doesn't mean being narcissistic
or arrogant;
it means having a realistic understanding of one's
strengths and weaknesses, enjoying the strengths and working on the problem
areas. Because there is such a strong parallel between how a person feels about
himself and how a person acts, helping your child build self-confidence is
vital to discipline.
Throughout
life your child will be exposed to positive influences builders and negative
influences breakers. Parents can expose their child to more builders and help
him work through the breakers.
1. PRACTICE ATTACHMENT PARENTING
Put yourself in the place of a baby who spends many
hours a day in a caregiver's arms, is worn in a sling, breastfed on cue, and
her cries are sensitively responded to. How do you imagine this baby feels?
This baby
feels loved; this baby feels valuable. Ever had a special day when you got lots
of strokes and showered with praise? You probably felt like queen for a day and
hopefully you behaved accordingly. The infant on the receiving end of this
high-touch style of parenting develops self-worth. She likes what she feels.
Responsiveness
is the key to infant self-value. Baby gives a cue, for example, crying to be
fed or comforted. A caregiver responds promptly and consistently. As this
cue-response pattern is repeated many hundreds, perhaps thousands, of times
during the first year baby learns that her cues have meaning: "Someone
listens to me, therefore, I am worthwhile." A stronger self emerges.
Of course,
you can't always respond promptly or consistently. It's the predominant pattern
that counts. You will have days when you are short on patience. Babies pick out
the prevailing parenting style and form impressions. As baby gets older it
becomes important for him to learn how to deal with healthy frustration, as
this will teach him to adjust to change. The important thing is that you are
there for him; that's the message on which baby builds his sense of self.
The
confidence-building aspects that result from attachment-parenting pay off
especially with high-need babies. Because of these infants' more intense
demands, they are at higher risk of receiving negative responses. When
attachment parenting produces mutual sensitivity between connected parents and
high-need babies, they learn to see themselves in a good light.
Because
of responsive nurturing, the connected baby knows what to expect. On the other
hand, the disconnected child is confused. If his needs are not met and his cues
unanswered, he feels that signals are not worth giving. This leads to the
conclusion that "I'm not worthwhile. I'm at the mercy of others, and
there's nothing I can do to reach them."
We
emphasize the importance of early nurturing because during the first two years
the baby's brain is growing very fast. This is the period when a baby develops patterns
of associations – mental models of the way things work. The developing infant's
mind is like a file drawer. In each file is a mental picture of a cue she gives
along with the response she expects. After a certain interaction, the baby
stores a mental image of what happened. For example, baby raises her arms and a
parent responds by picking her up. Repetition deepens these patterns in the
infant's mind, and eventually emotions, positive or negative, become associated
with them. A file drawer full of mostly positive feelings and images leads to a
feeling of "rightness." Her sense of "well-being" becomes
part of baby's self.
Infants
who get used to the feeling of well-being they get from attachment parenting
spend the rest of their lives striving to keep this feeling. Because they have
so much practice at feeling good, they can regain this right feeling after
temporary interruptions. These secure infants cope better with life's setbacks
because they are motivated to repair their sense of well-being, which has
become integrated into their sense of self. They may fall down a lot, but they
are likely to wind up back on their feet. This concept is especially true for a
child who is handicapped or seems to come into this world relatively
short-changed in natural talents. Children who do not have this early sense of
well-being struggle to find it, but they are unsure of what they are looking
for because they don't know how it feels. This explains why some babies who get
attachment parenting in the early years manage well despite an unsettled
childhood because of family problems. Consider the famous case of Baby Jessica,
the two-year-old who because of a legal quirk was taken from the familiar and
nurturing home of her adoptive parents whom she had known since birth, and
given to her biological parents who were strangers to her. She is likely to
thrive because she entered a strange situation with a strong sense of
well-being created by early nurturing. She will spend the rest of her life
maintaining that feeling despite the trauma she endured.
Playing catch-up
But what if I didn't practice all those attachment
styles of parenting, you may wonder? Don't be too hard on yourself. Babies are
resilient and, of course, it's never too late to start building up your child's
self-image. Getting to know your child and seeing things from his point of view
will help you help him learn to trust himself. This kind of nurturing cements
together the blocks of self-worth, and can also repair them. Still, the earlier
the cement is applied, the smoother it goes on and the stronger it sticks.
2. IMPROVE YOUR OWN SELF-CONFIDENCE
Parenting is therapeutic. In caring for your child
you often heal yourself. A mother with a high-need baby in our practice once
declared, "My baby brings out the best and the worst in me." If there
are problems in your past that affect your present parenting, confront them.
Get psychological help if they are interfering with your ability to remain calm
and parent effectively.
Heal your past
A child's self-esteem is acquired, not inherited.
Certain parenting traits and certain character traits, such as anger and
fearfulness, are learned in each generation. Having a baby gives you the chance
to become the parent you wish you had. If you suffer from low self-confidence,
especially if you feel it's a result of how you were parented, take steps to
heal yourself and break the family pattern. Try this exercise (therapists call
this "passing on the best, and discarding the rest")
·
List the
specific things your parents did to build your self-image.
·
List the
specific things your parents did to weaken your self-image.
·
Now
resolve to emulate the good things your parents did and avoid the rest. If you
find it difficult to follow through with this exercise on your own, get help
from a professional. Both you and your child will benefit.
Don't be too hard on your parents
They probably did the best they
could given their circumstances and the prevailing advice of the times. I
remember once hearing a grandmother say to a mother, "I was a good mother
to you. I followed exactly the schedule the doctor gave me." This new
mother felt that some of her present problems stemmed from the rigid scheduling
that she endured when she was a baby. She was determined to learn to read her
baby's cues. I reminded her not to blame her own mother because the prevailing
parenting practice at the time was to follow the "experts'" advice on
childrearing. The mother of the 90's, however, is more comfortable becoming the
expert on her own child.
Polish your mirror
No one can put on a happy face
all the time, but a parent's unhappiness can transfer to a child. Your child
looks to you as a mirror for his own feelings. If you are worried, you can't
reflect good feelings. In the early years, a child's concept of self is so
intimately tied up with the mother's concept of herself that a sort of mutual
self-worth building goes on. What image do you reflect to your child? She will
see through a false facade to the troubled person beneath. Matthew, on a
fill-in-the-blanks tribute to his mother, wrote: "I like being with my mother
most when she's happy." Children translate your unhappiness with yourself
to mean unhappiness with them. Even infants know they are supposed to please
their parents. As they get older, they may even come to feel responsible for
their parents' happiness. If you are not content, they must not be good (or
good enough). If you are experiencing serious problems with depression or
anxiety, seek help so that you can resolve these feelings before they affect
your child.
Martha Notes: Tip of the Day
"Shortly
after the birth of our eighth child, I was overwhelmed with two babies in
diapers and the needs of four older children at home. My stress was reflected
in my face; I was often not a happy person. Fortunately, I recognized what I
was showing of myself to my children. I did not want my children growing up
believing that mothering is no fun or that they caused me to be unhappy. I
sought help, fixed my inner feelings and polished my mirror so that my
children could see a better image of themselves."
|
3. BE A
POSITIVE MIRROR
Much of a child's self-image comes not only from
what the child perceives about herself, but from how she thinks others perceive
her. This is especially true of preschoolers who learn about themselves from
their parents' reactions. Do you reflect positive or negative images to your
child? Do you give her the idea that she's fun to be with? That her opinions
and desires matter to you? That her behavior pleases you?
When
you give your child positive reflections, he learns to think well of himself.
He will also willingly rely on you to tell him when his behavior is not
pleasing. This becomes a discipline tool. "All I have to do is look at her
a certain way, and she stops misbehaving," said one mother. She had
saturated her child's self awareness with positive feelings, and the youngster
was used to the way he felt being on the receiving end of these strokes. When
mother flashed a negative reflection, the child didn't like the feeling it
produced. He changed his behavior quickly to regain his sense of well-being.
Be
realistic
You can't be up and smiling all the time and still
be human. Your child should know that parents have down days, too. Children can
see through fake cheerfulness. Your sensitivity toward him will increase his
sensitivity toward you, and someday he may be the one lifting your self-
confidence.
Putting Humpty-Dumpty Back Together Again
You spend the early years building your child's
self-confidence. You spend the later years protecting it. Many thin-skinned
children need protection from situations they find overwhelming. I was
examining five-year-old Thomas for his school-entry physical. Thomas was a
sensitive child whose mother had spent years helping him build a strong sense
of self-worth. We were engaged in a philosophical discussion of the long-term
benefits of attachment parenting and Thomas was understandably bored. He began
hanging on my scale—an expensive scale that is built into the top of the
examining table. My first thought was the safety of my table. To me it was more
at risk than Thomas, so I firmly asked, "Thomas, would you please stop
hanging on the scale?" Just as Thomas was about to crumble from my
unintended put-down, his mother interjected a saving, "...because you're
so strong." She knows how to get behind the eyes of her child.
4. PLAY
WITH YOUR CHILD
You will learn a lot about your child—and
yourself—during play. Playtime gives your child the message "You are worth
my time. You are a valuable person." It is well known that children learn
through play. It improves a child's behavior by giving him feelings of
importance and accomplishment. Instead of viewing playtime as a chore, use it
to make an investment in your child's behavior.
Let your child initiate the play
A valuable learning principle that parents should
keep in mind is this: an activity initiated by the child holds the child's
attention longer than one suggested by the adult playmate. More learning takes
place when the child chooses what to do. Child-initiated play also increases
self-worth: "Dad likes to do the things I do!" of course, you may be
thinking, "oh no, not the block game again!" or "We've read that
story twenty times!" That's the ordeal of parenting. You'll get bored with
The Cat in the Hat long before your child. If you want to bring something new
to the same old play activity, add your own new twists as the play continues.
Stop to talk about the book: "What would you do if the Cat in the Hat came
to our door?" "Let's turn this block tower into a parking
garage."
Make your
child feel special
During play, focus your attention on the child. If
your body is with your child but your mind is at work, your child will sense
that you have tuned out, and neither one of you benefits from the time
together. Your child loses the value of your being with her, concluding that
she is not important. You lose the opportunity to learn about and enjoy your
child—and to relearn how to play. I remember the fun six-month-old Matthew and
I had in our "play circle." I sat him facing in front of me with a
few favorite toys (mine and his) making a circle around him with my legs. This
space contained him and provided support in case he, as a beginning sitter,
started to topple sideways. Matthew had my undivided attention. He felt special
and so did I. Making all those goofy baby noises is fun.
Parents need play
As a busy person, I had a hard time getting down to
a baby's level enjoying unstructured, seemingly unproductive play. After all, I
had so many "more important" things on my agenda. Once I realized how
much we both could benefit, this special time became meaningful. Play became
therapeutic for me. I needed time away from some of those other things to focus
on this important little person who was, without realizing it, teaching me to
relax. Play helped me to get to know Matthew's temperament and his capabilities
at each stage of development. The child reveals himself to the parent—and vice
versa— during play; the whole relationship benefits greatly. Playtime puts us
on our child's level, helping parents get behind the eyes and into the mind of
their child. Take time to enjoy the simple pleasures of play.
Play is
an investment
Consider playtime one of your best investments. You
may feel that you are "wasting time" stacking blocks when you could
be "doing something" instead. Some adults panic at the thought and
really have to struggle to be able to let go of their grown-up agenda. Of
course, you don't have to play all day long, nor will your child want you to
(unless he senses your resistance!). What may seem like a meaningless activity
to you, means a lot to your baby. The more interest you show in doing things
with your baby early on, the more interest your child will have in doing things
with you when he's older. As your child grows, you can involve him in your play
and your work, since being with you is the best reward. Think of it this
way—you are doing the most important job in the world—raising a human being.
5.
ADDRESS YOUR CHILD BY NAME
What's in a name? The person, the self—little or
big. I can still remember my grandfather impressing on me the value of using
and remembering peoples' names. This lesson has proved profitable. One year I
was a pre-med student competing with a bunch of marketing majors for a summer
sales job. After I landed the job I inquired why I, though less qualified, had
been hired. "Because you remembered and used the names of all of your
interviewers." Addressing your child by name, especially when accompanied
by eye contact and touch, exudes a "you're special" message.
Beginning an interaction by using the other person's name opens doors, breaks
barriers, and even softens corrective discipline.
Children
learn to associate how you use their name with the message you have and the
behavior you expect. Parents often use a child's nickname or first name only in
casual dialogue, "Jimmy, I like what you are doing." They beef up the
message by using the full name to make a deeper impression, "James Michael
Sears, stop that!" one child we've heard about refers to his whole name as
his "mad name" because that's what he hears when his parents are
angry at him. We have noticed that children with self-confidence more
frequently address their peers and adults by name or title. Their own
self-worth allows them to be more direct in their communication with others.
Our two-year-old Lauren dashes by my desk chirping: "Hi, Dad!" The
addition of "Dad" impressed me more than an impersonal
"Hi!" A school-age child who is comfortable addressing adults by name
will be better able to ask for help when needed.
6.
PRACTICE THE CARRY-OVER PRINCIPLE
As your child gets older, encourage her talents. She
can do well at something, whether as a two-year-old who packs exceptional
pretend picnics or a ten-year- old who loves ballet. Over the years, we've
noticed a phenomenon we call the carryover principle: enjoying one activity
boosts a child's self-image, and this carries over into other endeavors. One of
our sons is a natural athlete, but he wasn't interested in academics. Operating
on the carryover principle, we encouraged his enjoyment of athletics while
supporting him as he worked on the academics. The schoolwork improved as his
overall self-confidence increased. Recognize your child's special talents, and
help her build on them, then watch the whole person blossom.
7. SET
YOUR CHILD UP TO SUCCEED
Helping your child develop talents and acquire
skills is part of discipline. If you recognize an ability in your child that he
doesn't, encourage him. Strike a balance between pushing and protecting. Both
are necessary. If you don't encourage your child to try, his skills don't
improve, and you've lost a valuable confidence builder. If you don't protect
your child from unrealistic expectations, his sense of competence is
threatened.
Beware of value-by-comparisons
Children measure their own value by how they
perceive others value them. And in our measuring-and-testing society,
children's skills—and therefore their value—are measured relative to others.
Your child may bat an exceptional .400 on the softball team, but she will feel
inadequate if her teammates are batting .500. Be sure your child believes you
value her because of who she is, not how she performs. Do this by giving her
plenty of eye contact, touching, and focused attention. In other words, give of
yourself regardless of how the game or the achievement test turns out.
Don't
expect your child to excel in sports or music or academics just because you
did. The one thing your child can excel in is being herself. She must know that
your love for her does not depend on your approval of her performance. That's a
tough assignment for a parent who may have been raised to perform for love and
acceptance.
WALL OF
FAME
In our Sears' family gallery of accomplishments, our
walls display Hayden's cheerleading trophies, Erin's horse ribbons, Matthew's
Little League pictures, etc. Every child is good at something. Discover it,
encourage it, frame it, and display it. If your home is missing this wall, your
child is missing his moment of fame. If you have a child who is not athletic,
try scouting. With Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts everyone wins and everyone gets
lots of badges. As children walk by their showcase, they can see at a glance
five to ten years of achievement. This gives them a lift, especially during
times when their self-worth is faltering.
8.HELP
YOUR CHILD BE HOME-WISE BEFORE STREET-SMARTS
Sometime during your parenting career you may run
into the idea that a young child should be exposed to children with different
values so that he can choose for himself. This may sound good, or at least
politically correct, but it just plain doesn't work. It's like sending a ship
to sea without a rudder or a captain. Only by chance will that ship reach a
desirable destination. Children are too valuable to be left to chance.
Screen
your child's friends
The child's values and self-concept are affected by
persons of significance in his life— relatives, coaches, teachers, religious
leaders, scout leaders, and friends. It's up to the parents to screen out those
who pull down the child's character and encourage those that build it. Keep a
watchful eye on your child's friendships. First, let your child choose his own
friends and monitor the relationships. At the end of a play experience examine
your child's feelings. Is he at peace or upset? Are the children compatible?
Coupling a passive person with a strong personality is all right if the
stronger child pulls your child up rather than knocking him down.
While
some children will wisely seek out complimentary playmates on their own,
sometimes it is helpful to set up your child by purposely exposing him to
appropriate peers. Some groups of children just naturally seem to get along
well. If your child's group does not seem to have the right chemistry, it would
be wise to intervene. By being a monitoring mom, Martha was able to come to the
rescue of one of our children who was being intimidated and blackmailed into
stealing money from us. This junior racketeer in the neighborhood was busted
because Martha became suspicious of certain phone calls and listened in one
day. Our frightened seven-year-old was in way over his head and was greatly
relieved when we intervened.
Keep a
kid-friendly home
Make your home inviting to your child's friends.
Yes, you will have more messes to clean up, but it's worth it. Hosting the
neighborhood helps you monitor your child; it gives you the opportunity to
observe your child's social style and generally learn more about your child's
personality—which social behaviors are appropriate and which need improving.
You'll be able to make on-the-spot disciplinary interventions, either with your
child in a private lesson or in group therapy if the whole pack needs some redirecting.
The
roots of a young child's self-concept come from home and nurturing caregivers.
After six years of age, peer influence becomes increasingly important. The
deeper the roots of home-grown self-confidence, the better equipped kids are to
interact with peers in a way that builds up self-worth rather than tearing it
down. They know how to handle peers who are fun to play with and those that
give them problems. When children are attachment parented, they are well
equipped to manage different environments (home, grandparents, preschool,
Sunday school) with different rules very well. For healthy social development,
a child first must be comfortable with himself before he can be comfortable
with others.
Clinging
to homebase
In normal development a child moves out from the
known into the unknown. She tries out new experiences in much the same way that
an attached infant learns to separate from mother. It is quite normal for a
child to retreat periodically into the comfort of the known (her home and
family) as she progressively ventures into the jungle of the unknown. It is
important for the child to have a strong attachment base. Being shy does
not mean that a child has a poor self-image. She needs an extra dose of
confidence so that she can follow her own inner timetable in adjusting to new
situations and relationships. Parents often wonder what degree of clinging to
homebase is normal. Look at the problem over the course of an entire year. If
you see no change in the child's willingness to venture out, that may be
unhealthy. But if you see some gradual moving out, then your child is simply a
cautious social developer, which is characteristic of sensitive children, who
may form a few meaningful and deep relationships, rather than numerous
superficial ones.
9. Lose
labels
"I'm asthmatic," seven-year-old Greg
proudly said to me when I inquired why he came to my office. Indeed, Greg did
have asthma, but the physical problem was much easier to treat than the
emotional side effects of his label. A few puffs of a bronchial dilator and his
wheezing cleared, but his label persisted. I mentioned privately to Greg's
mother that there are two issues to address in any child with a chronic
illness: the problem itself, and the child's and family's reactions to the
problem.
Every
child searches for an identity and, when found, clings to it like a trademark.
"Asthmatic" had become Greg's label, and he wore it often. His whole
day revolved around his ailment, and his family focused on this part of Greg
instead of on the whole person. Instead of feeling compassion, Greg's brothers
and sisters had become tired of planning their lives around Greg's asthma. They
couldn't go on certain trips because Greg might get too tired. It became a
family illness, and all, except Greg, were put into roles they didn't like.
To take
away Greg's label would be to take away Greg's self-esteem. So, we made a deal.
I would treat Greg's asthma; the family would enjoy Greg, and we all worked at
giving "the asthmatic" a healthier label to wear.
10.
MONITOR SCHOOL INFLUENCES ON YOUR CHILD
Schools can be hazardous to a child's emotional
health. School choice (if you have one) needs to be carefully considered. The
connected child who enters the school arena with peers from various upbringings
and degrees of attachment will have a set of expectations that he may not find
at school. Children meet the challenges of a new social group with different
behaviors. If a child is securely attached to his caregivers and armed with a
strong self-image, he may not be disturbed by these different behaviors. He may
stick cheerfully to his own style of play. Or, he may be frustrated, creating
stress on his emerging personality. If his self-confidence is shaky, a child
may view aggressiveness or bullying as normal and make these behaviors part of
himself or allow himself to be victimized.
Around
age six, when your child begins elementary school, other adults become
influential in her life. These are people who are around your child enough to
influence her behavior and model values. Once upon a time persons of
significance in a child's life came primarily from within the extended family,
but in today's mobile society a child is likely to have a wider variety of
peers and persons of significance. This means that today's parents need to be
vigilant as to who is modeling what behavior to their children. Here is where
there is confusion in the ranks of parents as disciplinarians. There are two
extremes. On the one side are the parents who feel it's healthy for children to
experience a lot of different value systems while growing up so that they will
be more open-minded as adults. On the other side are parents who want to
protect their child from all outside influences and any ideas that may differ
from their own beliefs. This child grows up in a bubble-like atmosphere.
Somewhere
between these two extremes is the right answer for your child. Throwing a child
into the melting pot of diverse values at too young an age, before she has any
of her own values, may produce a child who is so confused that she develops no
conscience and no standing value system. Parents who overprotect may end up
with a child who cannot think for herself, leaving her vulnerable to challenges
or so judgmental that she condemns anyone with different beliefs. Somewhere in
the middle is the parent who grounds the child in a firm value system and
guides her as she encounters other value systems. The child, because she has a
strong value system to begin with, is better able to weigh her parents' value
system against alternatives and develop her own firm code of values. It may be
different from the parents'. It may include many of the parents' values with a
sprinkling of alternatives learned from peers or teachers. But the important
thing is that the child has a value system from which to operate. He is not a
leaf hurried downstream in the river that takes the path of least resistance,
overflows its bounds, and eventually drains into a large sea of uncertainty.
Many children flounder, sometimes for the rest of their lives, searching for
values that should have been formed in infancy and early childhood.
Parents,
don't be misled by the complacent term "latent" applied to middle
childhood. This is not the time to sleep and get careless. This is the age in
which your children build consciences and learn your value system. In fact,
it's the only time in their entire life when they unquestionably, at least
early in that stage, accept their parents' value system. Slowly they form their
own standards through interaction with peers, other families, and teachers, and
through neighborhood relationships and church/synagogue friendships. They
discover a larger world with a variety of beliefs and behaviors. As they talk
(endlessly) and observe and experiment in a variety of situations, they learn
about how they will choose to act and react. Trying belatedly to impose your
values on a teenager whose main developmental task at this stage is to identify
his own values is difficult. The best way to get your values across is to
"walk your talk" by living your values.
11. GIVE
YOUR CHILD RESPONSIBILITIES
Children need jobs. One of the main ways children
develop self- confidence and internalize values is through helping maintain the
family living area, inside and out. Giving children household duties helps them
feel more valuable, besides channeling their energy into desirable behavior and
teaching skills. Try these tips:
Enter
the work force early. Beginning around age two, children can do small jobs
around the house. To hold a child's interest, choose tasks the child has
already shown an interest in. Our two-year-old, Lauren, had a thing about
napkins, so we gave her the dinnertime job of putting napkins at each place. A
mother in our practice told us: "I couldn't keep our three-year-old away
from the vacuum cleaner. So I gave him the job of vacuuming the family room. He
kept busy and I got some work out of him." Starting between ages two and
four, a child can learn the concept of responsibility to self and to parents
and for his personal belongings. Once he learns a sense of responsibility for
these things, a sense of responsibility to society will come naturally in the next
stage of development.
By
three years of age, a child can be taught to clean sinks and tubs (using a
sponge and a small can of cleanser). Young children love to scrub. Three's and
Four's love to sort laundry into darks and lights. At five, the child can be
doing dishes every night. Teach him exactly how you want them handled (for
example, excess food in the garbage, dishes rinsed, and then put in the
dishwasher). Be sure to use unbreakable cups and plates and put messy pans in
the oven to be cleaned later by an adult.
By
seven, a child can be cooking at least one meal a week from start to finish.
Teach him how to fix his favorite meal and let him learn how to pick out the
ingredients at the market. Encourage school-age children to make their own
lunch. Besides giving them a sense of responsibility for their own nutrition,
they are more likely to eat what they make. Once taught, the child can be left
alone in the kitchen—no hovering mother. Relax and talk to your mate.
Give
special jobs
Call a job "special" and it's more likely
to get done. Whatever magical ring the word "special" has, it sure
gets results. Perhaps a child infers that "I must be special because I get
a special job." A four-to five-year-old can have preassigned chores, with
reminders, of course. To put some order in our busy house we announce:
"It's tidy time." Try assigning one room for each child to tidy up.
Children at all ages suffer a bit of work inertia, especially as tasks wear on
and lose their fun appeal. But sometimes children need to learn that work comes
before play. To get them started, work with them.
Create job charts
Make this a creative activity for a family meeting.
List the jobs to be done, and let each child choose and rotate if they want. We
divide jobs into paying, extra- credit jobs they can earn money for, and
nonpaying or those that are naturally expected of the children for the
privilege of living in our home. Expect to pay a higher price on the most
unwanted jobs. Best is to pay immediately after the work is responsibly done,
since children are immediate-reward oriented. In the next stage of development,
from five to ten years, children can make the connection that with increasing
privileges come responsibilities. When we decided to get a family cottage, the
deal was that Saturday mornings would be family fix-up time at the cottage, and
only after the work was completed would the recreation begin.
Plant a family garden
Planting a garden teaches children that they reap
what they sow. During our family garden phase, when our children were younger,
we tied in caring for a garden and caring for them: Water the plants and they
grow nicely, keep the weeds away and the flowers bloom better.
Other
jobs boys and girls love and do well when first taught alongside a parent
include: washing the car, sweeping outdoor living areas and sidewalks,
gardening, vacuuming, dusting, and baby tending. By seven or eight they can put
in a load of laundry, and by ten they can be doing their own laundry. When
children have jobs in the home, not only are parents relieved of some of the
busywork, but children feel they are contributing to a cause. They feel useful
and needed. And the energy they spend on the home becomes an investment they
are making into the value system of that home.
12.
ENCOURAGE CHILDREN To EXPRESS, NOT STUFF, THEIR FEELINGS
Expressing feelings comfortably does not mean the
child is free to explode at every emotional twinge, but rather develops a
comfortable balance between expressing and controlling feelings. She should
eventually be able to keep a lid on her emotions when needed, but not so
tightly that she can't remove the lid in a "safe" setting, such as
exercising (i.e., run like mad to blow off steam), or with a trustworthy
friend. All babies freely express their feelings. Maturity develops through
years of learning how to stay calm in difficult situations. A child with
unbridled emotions becomes a brat. A person who never expresses emotions
becomes too reserved. Too much control or too much emoting will both produce
problems in adult life.
Stuffing
feelings doesn't do any good for the child, the parents, or the relationship.
It tells the child that you are threatened by her feelings or she gets the
message that you don't care to understand her feelings. The child picks up on
your attitude and learns that expressing or even having feelings is not okay.
The child decides that the feelings that accompany the ups and downs of her
daily life are not worthwhile. In a child's logic, if her feelings are not
worthwhile, she is not worthwhile. If this unfeeling pattern repeats itself
over and over, the child quickly learns both to suppress the feelings and
especially to hide them from her parents.
Even
more devastating than being uncaring is responding to a child's feelings with
anger messages, "I don't want to hear any more bellowing about that stupid
fish!" The fear of parents' reactions to her feelings turns a child into a
feeling stuffer.
On the
positive side, picture what happens when a child feels free to express herself
and a parent accepts her feelings. Consider this example: "Daddy, the
necklace Grandma gave me for my birthday broke." Dad stops what he is
doing and focuses on his child, looking into her eyes and placing his hand
around her shoulder. He says, "I'm sorry. That was such a special
necklace." Both his verbal and his body language convey: "I am
available to you; your feelings are important to me. You are important to
me." His reaction frees the child to tell him more about her feelings and
to work through them by talking to him. Instead of retreating into her shell or
erupting into a tantrum, she has been given a way to express her sorrow.
And he has boosted her self-worth by accepting her feelings, which are a
reflection of herself.
DO YOU
OWE YOUR CHILD SELF-ESTEEM?
Parents may misunderstand the meaning of self-esteem
and feel that this is just one more thing they are required to give their child
along with regular meals and a warm winter jacket. They guard against anything
that may undercut self-esteem – to the point where it becomes ridiculous.
("Oh, Billy, you don't really sing flat. You're just tonally
challenged.") They measure self-esteem daily, as one might take a
temperature. ("Julie's self-esteem is low today. Her big brother beat her
at checkers last night.")
Every
infant whose needs are met has self-esteem built in. Like an arborist caring
for a tree, your job is to nurture what's there, do what you can to structure
your child's environment so that she grows strong and straight, and avoid whittling
away at the tender branches. You can't build your child's self- esteem
compliment by compliment, activity by activity. Parents are already overloaded
with guilt because they may not be doing enough to foster their child's
self-worth. You don't need a degree in psychology to raise a confident child.
Much of parenting is easy and fun. Hold your baby a lot, respond sensitively to
her needs, enjoy your baby. Then sit back and enjoy the person whose
self-esteem is developing naturally.
