Happy Marriage = Happy Children

10 things marriage counsellors want you to know

Heed the advice of some of Canada's top relationship experts for a happier, healthier marriage.

By 

Paul Benedetti

Imagine that you have to learn how to drive a car by watching people drive on TV.

You also get to watch your parents drive, and you sit in the car while friends drive. Then imagine that after a few months of this, you take your car onto a four-lane highway for the longest trip of your life. Pretty crazy, right?

Well, that's how most people approach marriage, says Dr. Guy Grenier, a clinical psychologist and marital therapist in London, Ont. And the results are about as bad as you might expect. In Canada, 38 per cent of marriages end in divorce. (It's almost 50 per cent in the United States.) But it doesn't have to be that way. Dr. Grenier, who has worked with couples for more than 20 years, says that with a bit more preparation and education, we could save thousands of marriages -- and a lot of money.

The truth about divorce

Divorce costs Canadians billions of dollars in lawyer's fees and real estate swaps, not to mention the psychological fallout for both parents and children. "We could drop the divorce rate from 40 per cent to 20 per cent by insisting that for two years every high school student learn 'relationships,'" says Dr. Grenier.

Unfortunately, he says, no such course exists. So here's the Coles Notes version that any married couple, or anyone considering getting married, can use. (Don't cram! You have the rest of your life to work on this.)

1. There's no such thing as Mr. or Ms. Right for you...
...at least, not in the sense that if you "just find the right person, it will all work out," says Paul Beckow, a marriage counsellor and newspaper columnist in Victoria. Good relationships don't just happen. They're the result of work. "Couples are really surprised when they find that there are conflicts and differences, disappointments and hurts. But they're all part of the journey, part of the work of being in a relationship."

The advice? After the romance, be prepared to do the work. "We have to sort out real things in real life," says Beckow, who has counselled couples for more than two decades. He sees a relationship as a journey -- a dynamic, challenging opportunity for people. "A relationship is an ongoing laboratory for learning and development," says Beckow. He knows: he has been with his wife, Frani, for 34 years. Beckow says the key is that you have to be ready to work at exploring and investigating your differences.

2. Talk isn't cheap: it's your most valuable investment.
Good, regular communication is the key to a good marriage. Peter Evans, a registered couples and family therapist in Hamilton, says talking creates connection, empathy and intimacy. "My parents had a ritual when my dad came home from work," he says. "They would sit down with a cup of tea or a glass of sherry and talk to each other, just chitchat about the day."

3. A relationship is like a car: you need to change the oil every three months.
Have the "How are we doing?" conversation every three months, no matter how long you have been married. Why? Because regularly addressing issues or grievances means you head off trouble before the problem becomes entrenched or insurmountable. "Put it on the calendar. Make time. And ask the question with courage," says Dr. Grenier, who is also the author of The 10 Conversations You Must Have Before You Get Married (And How to Have Them) (Key Porter, 2007). "There's nothing better you are ever going to do for your relationship," he says.

4. Being emotional is better than being rational.
A common communication myth is that you should "stick to the facts" rather than talk about how you feel. But relationships aren't built on what happens as much as they're based on feelings. "Don't ignore the facts, but start with the feelings," says Dr. Grenier. "Talk about how you feel: ‘This is what I fear, this is what I'm worried about, this is what I want, this is what hurt my feelings,' and then go to the facts." Remember, relationships are by their nature emotional, not rational, so don't build a business case with facts and figures -- focus on your feelings and the rest will follow.

5. No one "wins" unless you both do.
If it's about feelings, then nobody's right -- or wrong. It's a conversation, not a fight, so stop trying to win. Beckow learned this in his own life when he realized that he was very good at making arguments that negated his wife's points. "But I had an awareness that every time I proved her 'wrong,' I didn't win anything."

A great example of this is fighting over division of labour in the home and how tidy a house needs to be. Dr. Grenier notes that some people like organization, while others don't mind a bit of clutter. It doesn't mean some are right while others are wrong, or that someone has to "win" -- just that they have different preferences, he explains.

Evans gives his couples a simple maxim: "When you are into a win-lose pattern, you are both going to lose."

6. How you feel is up to you.
"There is probably nothing more important in a relationship than the art of making yourself happy," says Beckow. Some people expect their spouse to fill in their shortcomings, to meet all their needs or heal their wounds. But when that does not happen, they feel disappointed and angry. Instead, it's healthier -- for both partners -- to recognize that they must learn the art of taking care of themselves.

How? Take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings. In some ways this has little to do with your partner, says Beckow. Instead of blaming others for how you feel ("You make me so mad" or "Your lateness upsets me"), realize that how you feel is up to you. You can choose to be angry or annoyed, or you can choose not to be. It's not what happens, it's what you make it mean.

Reva Seth, author of First Comes Marriage (Fireside, 2008), a book about lessons anyone can learn from arranged marriages, agrees. "Women in arranged marriages have a much better sense of owning their own happiness...and assuming responsibility for meeting their own needs," she says. She recommends developing a life beyond your partner: play bridge, go hiking, join a book club, cultivate friendships. "Why should your husband be your best friend?" asks Seth. "Why can't you have a best friend and a husband?" That's good advice for all couples.

7. Women aren't from Venus and men aren't from Mars.
And most of the gender stereotypes we have are wrong, too.

Who talks more? Women? No. Studies show men talk more and interrupt more. Who lies more on a first date? No difference. Except each person lies about different things. (Men lie about themselves and women lie about the men!)

"The vast majority of investigations that we do looking at male and female differences find that we are far more similar than different," says Dr. Grenier. Knowing whether someone is a man or a woman does not tell us anything important about their communication style, emotional needs, financial style or anything else. "Thinking about and worrying about gender differences is almost a complete waste of time," he says.

So, forget gender and park your assumptions. Maybe your husband wants to be held more, maybe he needs to talk about his worries at work or his concerns about aging. You're more alike than you think!

8. When you argue, it should be all about you.
This powerful communication tool is simple: You know your own thoughts and feelings best, so stick to that. Don't tell your partner "how they think, or what they should or shouldn't be," says Beckow. He calls this being in the "other person's business."

Dr. Grenier agrees. "As soon as you start using the word you, you immediately just piss the other person off," he says. "There's no faster way to make another adult angry than to tell them what they think or feel... that you are more of an expert on their internal state than they are."

So stick to I.O.U. (I Over You) language -- say I think, I feel and I need. (The only exception is when you use you in a question: What do you want? What do you think?)

9. It's not about money. It's about what you think about money.
Money is one of the three things couples fight about most, say therapists. (No surprise -- sex and the division of labour are the other two.) Every person has a financial style -- some people live for today, others want to save for tomorrow.

"Neither is right or wrong," says Dr. Grenier. "If there was an overall, indisputably correct thing to do with money, we would have figured it out and we'd all be doing that. The problem is, there isn't."

So, the key is to stop trying to win and figure out what makes each person comfortable when it comes to money. One solution is to have three bank accounts, counsels Dr. Grenier -- his, hers and ours. Also, major decisions have to be made together. "As soon as somebody makes an important financial decision without consulting the other person," says Dr. Grenier, "the chances of that being a source, and potentially a permanent source, of conflict is huge." Money, like sex, is about trust. Erode that trust and the consequences to a marriage can be fatal.

10. Sex. It's mostly about talking... and fun.
Forget erectile dysfunction or lack of orgasms. In fact, what most couples struggle with is low sexual desire or mismatched levels of desire.

Low libido is especially common today in dual-career couples. At the end of a long, stressful day at work, after the homework, the lessons and the lunches, who has the time or the energy for sex? Assuming both people want more sex, the solution is to think more openly about sex and to talk about it. Sexual problems usually get solved not in the bedroom, say therapists, but in the kitchen, with people talking.

When one person wants sex more often than the other, the main advice is still to talk about it. The couple may have misunderstandings about what they are doing, what they want to do and what they could do. Talking openly, honestly and without fear is a start.

"We need to give people permission to think about other ways of having sex rather than the scripted, boring efficiency-driven versions of sex," says Dr. Grenier, who did sex research for his PhD and taught human sexuality at The University of Western Ontario. That means talking about masturbation (yes, pretty much everybody does it), about quickies, about sex in the afternoon, about assumptions and perceptions. "We need to open up the opportunities for sex," he says. "Sex is good. Sex is healthy. Sex is a great coping mechanism. Sex is a great stress management tool. Sex is a great form of relationship glue."

Marriage therapists emphasize that couples are on a long journey together. "The opportunity to learn to love is immense," says Beckow. Marriage is a dynamic experience. "You have to keep having these conversations for the rest of your life," says Dr. Grenier. "You don't wish a house, you build a house."

Finally, therapists like to remind couples that being together should be fun. "So many people work their partners to death, work their problems to death," Beckow says, adding that play, intimacy and ease are important.

Evans puts it simply. "You have to remember to have fun!"

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