1. “No.”
“It’s far more effective to be specific and positive,” says Katherine Kersey, director of Old Dominion University’s Child Development Center. Instead of barking, “No!” when your four year old stands up in his chair at the dinner table, try saying, “Please sit on your bottom.”
“It’s far more effective to be specific and positive,” says Katherine Kersey, director of Old Dominion University’s Child Development Center. Instead of barking, “No!” when your four year old stands up in his chair at the dinner table, try saying, “Please sit on your bottom.”
2. “Wait until your father (or mother) gets home.”
Parents should be like synchronized divers—stepping off the high platform together. That means not leaving the dirty work for your partner. Additionally, you don’t want to feel responsible for instilling a sense of fear in your child for one parent or the other.
Parents should be like synchronized divers—stepping off the high platform together. That means not leaving the dirty work for your partner. Additionally, you don’t want to feel responsible for instilling a sense of fear in your child for one parent or the other.
3. “You’re the greatest!”
Too much unspecific praise can go to our kids’ heads. Worse, these comments can create pressure for perfection. Experts advise us to be specific and child-centered. Try the following, “You must be very proud of that drawing. I like how you drew a big smile on the sun.” Statements like these allow for greater self-esteem, say Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
Too much unspecific praise can go to our kids’ heads. Worse, these comments can create pressure for perfection. Experts advise us to be specific and child-centered. Try the following, “You must be very proud of that drawing. I like how you drew a big smile on the sun.” Statements like these allow for greater self-esteem, say Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
4. “We’ll see.”
“We’ll see” is a pause button for those times when you just can’t handle another decision. But this age-old ploy may very well say to your child that you’re too busy or distracted for her. This in turn provokes your child to continue to ask the same question until you are so annoyed with the constant nagging that you make a rash decision. Instead, ask her to check in with you later. Or, if you’re just delaying the inevitable no, bite the bullet and give it to her straight.
“We’ll see” is a pause button for those times when you just can’t handle another decision. But this age-old ploy may very well say to your child that you’re too busy or distracted for her. This in turn provokes your child to continue to ask the same question until you are so annoyed with the constant nagging that you make a rash decision. Instead, ask her to check in with you later. Or, if you’re just delaying the inevitable no, bite the bullet and give it to her straight.
5. “Give Aunt Millie a kiss!”
Forcing your child to hug, kiss, or show affection to someone sends the message that he doesn’t have control. Kids need to be certain that they can say no to unwanted physical attention, starting at a young age, so that as they develop and grow they will know how to handle situations that they may be placed in.
Forcing your child to hug, kiss, or show affection to someone sends the message that he doesn’t have control. Kids need to be certain that they can say no to unwanted physical attention, starting at a young age, so that as they develop and grow they will know how to handle situations that they may be placed in.
6. “Calm down.”
“Calm down” may translate to: “Your feelings don’t matter.” Swallow your frustration with your child’s theatrics and simply say, “Wow, you’re mad/sad/frustrated, let’s work through this.” You never want to let your child feel as though the expression of emotion is a bad thing, because the alternative – a child that shows little to no emotion – is not easy to handle, either.
“Calm down” may translate to: “Your feelings don’t matter.” Swallow your frustration with your child’s theatrics and simply say, “Wow, you’re mad/sad/frustrated, let’s work through this.” You never want to let your child feel as though the expression of emotion is a bad thing, because the alternative – a child that shows little to no emotion – is not easy to handle, either.
7. “When I’m right, I’m right, and when I’m wrong, I’m still right.”Experts agree that it’s better for parents to fess up to mistakes than to pull rank. “When you say, ‘I shouldn't have done that,’ your child will have a rock-solid sense that her feelings matter to the people who are most important in her life,” writes John Gottman, Ph.D., author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.
8. “Don’t say that.”
Don’t shut down any inappropriate conversation, but rather welcome the open dialogue. As for those comments, that is something that you need to discuss with your child, however, do not silence them, as silence taught to a child can breed into an emotional and mental issue later in life, says Tammy Gold, a parenting coach.
Don’t shut down any inappropriate conversation, but rather welcome the open dialogue. As for those comments, that is something that you need to discuss with your child, however, do not silence them, as silence taught to a child can breed into an emotional and mental issue later in life, says Tammy Gold, a parenting coach.
9. “Let me help you.”
The more challenges children overcome, the prouder they’ll feel, says Dr. Stanley I. Greenspan, author of Great Kids. You are setting your child up for failure when you mollycoddle them and make problems magically go away. The only way to overcome challenge is to face it head on.
The more challenges children overcome, the prouder they’ll feel, says Dr. Stanley I. Greenspan, author of Great Kids. You are setting your child up for failure when you mollycoddle them and make problems magically go away. The only way to overcome challenge is to face it head on.
10. “Don’t make me turn this car around!”
When you’ve gotten to this point, you’ve already lost control, even from the driver’s seat. If you want to head home, just do it, but don’t give your children the authority to make that decision for you.
When you’ve gotten to this point, you’ve already lost control, even from the driver’s seat. If you want to head home, just do it, but don’t give your children the authority to make that decision for you.
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