Aggression: Why and What to do About it? by Bonnie Monte

Why preschoolers get aggressive

There you are, watching your little angel through the window at preschool, thinking how blessed you are to have her. All of a sudden, she draws back her little hand — and whacks another child squarely on the nose.

•  a simple case of fear: Your child might lash out if she feels cornered by another youngster
• frustrated with everything she's trying to accomplish and end up pouncing on a playmate. 
• insecurity: she's also getting used to being away from home. 
• If she feels resentful or neglected on top of everything else, she might just retaliate by shoving the kid who won't get out of her face. 
• tired and hungry. She doesn't quite know what to do about it, so she responds by biting, hitting, or throwing a tantrum.

What you can do about aggression

Respond quickly. 

• Try to respond immediately when you see your preschooler getting aggressive. It's best to let her know instantly when she's done something wrong. 
• Remove her from the situation for a brief time-out — for a preschooler, three or four minutes is plenty. The idea is for her to connect her behavior with the consequence and figure out that if she hits or bites, she'll miss out on the fun. 
• No matter how angry you are with her, try not to yell, hit, or tell your preschooler she's bad. 
•  Set a good example by controlling your temper and calmly pulling her out of the action.

Stick to the plan.  

• respond to aggressive acts the same way every time.  Eventually it'll sink in that if she misbehaves, she gets booted out of the fun — the first step in controlling her own behavior. Even if she does something to mortify you in public, stick to the game plan.

Talk it out. 

• Let your preschooler cool down, then calmly discuss what happened. The best time to do this is after she's settled down but before she forgets the whole thing — ideally, 30 minutes to an hour later. 
• Explain that it's perfectly natural to get angry sometimes, but it's not okay to shove, hit, kick, or bite. 
• Suggest better ways of showing how mad she is: by kicking a ball, pounding her fist into a pillow, finding an adult to mediate the dispute, or simply voicing her feelings: "Tina, I feel really mad because you took the purple crayon."
• Teach her to walk away from infuriating situations and people until she can think of a better way to respond than letting her fists fly. You can help your youngster deal with her anger by reading books together on the topic. Try Mr. Rogers'sLet's Talk About Feeling Angry, Aliki's Feelings, or Jane Martin's Now Everybody Really Hates Me.

Reinforce responsibility. 

• If your preschooler's aggression damages someone's property or makes a mess, she should help make it right again. She can glue a broken toy back together, for instance, or clean up the crackers or blocks she hurled in anger. 
• She needs to say "I'm sorry" when she oversteps her bounds — even if you have to lead her by the hand to the offended party and say it for her. Her apologies might seem insincere at first, but the lesson will eventually sink in.

Reward good behavior. 

• always reward your preschooler when she behaves well  — when she asks for a turn at the computer game instead of snatching the mouse away, for instance, or gives up her swing to another child who's been waiting. Tell her how proud of her you are. Keep a special calendar on the refrigerator or on her bedroom bulletin board, and reward her with a colourful sticker when she manages to keep her temper in check.

Limit TV time. 

• Innocent-looking cartoons are often rife with shouting, threats, shoving, and hitting. So try to monitor the programmes your preschooler sees by watching with her. If something happens on a show that you don't approve of, talk to her about it: "Did you see how that girl pushed her friend to get what she wanted? That wasn't a very good thing to do, was it?" (The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that kids this age see no more than an hour or two of "quality" television a day)

Some kids have more trouble with aggression than others do.  Try to get to the root of the problem and decide if a child psychologist or psychiatrist is needed. Sometimes an undiagnosed learning or behavior disorder is behind the frustration and anger; sometimes the problem is related to family or emotional difficulties. Whatever its source, a counselor can help your youngster work through the emotions that tend to lead to aggression, and learn to control them in the future. More than likely, professional help won't be necessary — but if your preschooler does need some counseling, it'll be a relief to know that you don't have to deal with the problem on your own.