Handling Difficult Preschoolers

By James Windell

Tommy, a difficult three-year-old, bites other children at daycare. One day, after a daycare worker asked him to sit in a circle for reading time, he refused and said he hated her.  Four-year-old Angela swears at her mother and tells her preschool teacher she will shoot her.

While all preschoolers will be negative and oppositional at times as they strive for more independence and a little more control over their lives, the truly difficult youngster will be hard for enough the most patient and caring adult to handle.


The biggest surprise for parents is that you're often facing some of the same battles at three and four -- which you thought were part of a passing phase -- that you dealt with at one and two.


When the difficulties of a child are related to temperament, the traits don't magically disappear. They remain in one form or another. Your task as a parent is to help your child channel his more challenging characteristics, behavior, and traits into positive areas of life -- without making these traits actually worse.


Here are some tips to handling that more difficult and more demanding preschooler:

• Understand your child's temperament. To be able to manage a difficult child adequately, you must be aware of your child's temperament.

§        Learn to see him as an individual who has personality traits that are uniquely his and that give him the special qualities that make him an individual. By getting to know his temperament, you can begin to accept the traits you didn't cause and you can't change.

§        Mimi Say - Parents need to accept the fact that each child is different. Parents do have the tendency to compare between siblings and peers which will aggravate the situation.

• Manage your stress. You won't be able to handle a difficult child unless you work on your own stress level. This will require parental time-out from the child to replenish your energy level. The more positive social and emotional support you can get, the better.
• Mimi Say – Leave the situation the moment you feel you are getting out of control or not able to handle your anger. The more you voice out, more unpleasant words will be exchanged.

• Avoid labeling your child in a negative way. It's essential to protect your child's self-image. Do not use negative statements or critical names. Don't brand her as an angry, aggressive, violent, or unmanageable child. Once a child begins to see herself in this way, she will be psychologically obligated to continue to live up to the label.

§        Mimi Say – I discourage parents to comment about their children in front of them eg. “My child is so lazy and it takes so long to get up and get ready.” Instead I will say, “Lisa will be up early tomorrow.”

• Do not model aggression, hostility, or out-of-control behavior. When you spank or use other physical punishments, your methods contradict what you're attempting to teach. Instead model and teach ways to control angry behavior and

• Solve problems without resorting to force. Don't expose your child to aggressiveness. Difficult children, who already have problems by being easily frustrated, impulsive, or aggressive, should not be allowed to watch TV shows, videos, movies, or cartoons with aggressive themes. These children will be less well equipped to handle aggressive content in stories and TV shows and are more likely to imitate such behavior -- even in innocent play.

Difficult preschoolers are not impossible. They are just greater challenges. Using the tips listed here will help out in the long run to assist such a child to learn to control their difficult traits and channel them into positive and successful social skills.